[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]
* Love and marriage *
* Go together like *
* A horse and carriage *
* This I tell ya, brother *
* You can't have one *
* Without the other *
* Love and marriage *
* It's an institute *
* You can't disparage *
* Ask the local gentry *
* And they will say It's elementary *
* Try, try, try To separate them *
* It's an illusion *
* Try, try, try And you will only come *
* To this conclusion *
* Love and marriage **
* And at dinnertime We stopped and walked back *
*To the house to eat *
* And mama hollered out The backdoor y'all remember *
* To wipe your feet *
* And then she said, I got some news this mornin' *
* From Choctaw Ridge *
* Today Billie Joe McAllister *
* Jumped off The Tallahatchie bridge *
Harold, this place stinks.
I don't know why you took me here.
The air conditioner isn't working,
the room service is terrible,
and will you listen to that radio?
[TURNS RADIO OFF]
This place is a disgrace!
It's a disgrace.
And what about the towels?
I asked for towels.
How come they don't have towels in this place?
This place is a disgrace!
It's a disgrace.
[KNOCK ON DOOR] Hmm.
Finally.
Come in.
A disgrace.
Where are the towels?
I don't see any towels.
Wh-what is that behind your back?
What-- Hey!
Aah!
Okay, it's vacation time.
Peg, kids, we're going to Poppy's by the Tree
in picturesque Dumpwater, Florida.
Show some excitement!
Well, I guess it's up to me.
Dad? Yes, Bud?
I thought we all voted on Hawaii?
That was just a vote, Bud. Didn't mean anything.
Al, honey, you promised this year
we could take a real vacation.
You know, someplace we don't look out our windows
and see chain gangs working.
Come on, Peg.
We still sing those songs we learned down there.
But this year I found something really special.
Look at this brochure, Peg.
This place has everything Hawaii has.
It's got sunshine, a palm tree...
uh, quicksand.
But the best part is, it's in the United States.
So are the sewers of Manhattan, Dad.
Or am I spoiling next year's vacation?
Al, we all appreciate your efforts at finding
the cheapest places in America, but Dumpwater, Florida, Al?
You're gonna judge a place by its name?
If we did that, we never would have experienced
Six Toe, Arkansas.
Remember that soup, kids?
And don't forget those underground fires.
Dumpwater's gonna make Six Toe look sick.
And the best part is, it's only $8 a night.
See that'll give us plenty of extra money to...
Well, let's see...
I don't know, but it'll leave us plenty of money.
My decision is made.
Now, if people don't want to go to Poppy's,
we can use that money to buy one of those
soft toilet seats, and make every day a vacation.
Poppy's. Poppy's.
Well, kids, it is near a nice tree.
You betcha, Peg.
And the best part is--
We're taking the family car.
You betcha.
And that way, we get to see all the sights.
You mean like the house that defies gravity?
That's our first stop.
That was supposed to be a surprise for the kids.
You didn't hear that, kids.
Uh, yeah, we did, Dad.
Actually, Dad,
can we listen to the oldies station all the way down?
Please? We can.
Do we get to stop at Howard Johnson's for Pez?
We do.
And all the way through speed-trap country,
do I get to pretend I'm in labor?
You do.
Now, kids, I want you to go upstairs,
lay out all the clothes you want to take,
and keep this in mind--
the first Howard Johnson's, the Pez is on dad.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
That must be Robin Leach.
Can I get some help here?
Well, here it is.
But please be very careful with our luggage.
We just got it.
We'll treat it as if it were our own.
Then I can't let you have it.
Hey, she brought the camera.
Oh, now, Steve loves this camera.
Please be very careful with it.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hi, guys.
I was just cleaning out the garage and I found our luggage.
It's not the greatest, but it's all we've got.
Someday we'll get good luggage, but right now,
it will have to do.
And you're more than welcome to it.
Now, here's our camera.
It's not much, but it's all we've got.
You're more than welcome to--
Marcie, that's our good luggage.
You gave them our good luggage?
Smile!
God, I hate them.
So, where are you headed?
Well, where's the one place you would go
if you could go anywhere?
Greece?
That's right, we're going to Dumpwater, Florida.
U.S. of A.
Dad, our clothes are all ready for Stinkwater.
That's Dumpwater, kids.
Come here. Peg, you, too.
Now, I know this is not your first choice for a vacation.
Does it show, Dad? Shut up, Bud.
I'm trying to explain something important to all of you.
Now, we're poor, so we're going to Dumpwater, Florida.
But let's look at the positive side.
It's a week where you don't have to go to school.
It's a week where I don't have to go to work.
And Peg...
well, every day's a vacation to you,
so what am I talking to you for?
Now let's see some smiles,
because tomorrow, the memories begin.
[CAR ENGINE RUNNING]
AL: Who wants Pez?
BUD: Aw, leave us alone.
AL: Well, there it is-- The biggest sinkhole in the south.
We're really seeing America now, eh, kids?
BUD: Aww.
AL: What's wrong with you people?
AL: Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream--
Everybody!
PEG, BUD, KELLY: Leave us alone.
[POLICE SIREN]
PEG: Yes, officer, I'm due to give birth any minute.
No, an escort to the hospital won't be necessary, officer.
We want our child to be born in Florida.
Dumpwater, Florida.
PEG: Where are the kids?
[TIRES SCREECH]
Hot.
Who you think's gonna get killed this time?
We're here!
Let the good times roll!
Looks better than the brochure, doesn't it, Peg?
Hey, Jethro.
You wanna get a picture of me and the family?
Yeah.
They'll be wanting one for the paper.
Just say, "gator bait."
Ah, smell that air.
I'll open a window, sir.
Excuse me, sir.
Uh, in your brochure it said that you have a TV.
Yes, ma'am, but not in the rooms.
We meant the town has one.
Aw, gee, Al.
No TV.
I guess that means we'll just have to...
entertain ourselves at night.
Well, who has it, and how far is it?
Where do we sleep, out behind the still?
She must of been mighty scared once,
for her hair to have turned white at such a young age.
Right through this door.
Aw, hey. I asked for the twin beds.
Dad, I don't think these are exact twins.
One has a lawnmower on it.
Well, enjoy your stay, folks.
And remember our motto:
"If we don't have it, you should have brought it with you."
And remember our motto: "We don't have it."
Well, kids, what do you think?
I think that if I can get a rope over that beam,
that I can hang myself.
I'll help you find one.
[DOOR SLAMS]
What's the matter with everybody?
We're all mad at you, Al.
We wanted to go to Hawaii.
Ah, what's so great about Hawaii?
The sun shines down here too.
But look what it lights up.
It's-- It's just different.
It's...
It's $8 a night, Peg.
Couldn't you learn to like it?
Well...okay, I'll try.
But you know you got to admit
there is something weird about this place.
I mean the people, the way they look at you...
like you're dinner.
That's ridiculous, Peg.
There's nobody looking at us.
I tell you, this place is fine.
Your problem is you're a city girl.
You don't know how to unwind.
Or keep house or get a job or bring any money home.
Now, eh, let's look at our complimentary
Dumpwater Floridian and see what the town has to offer.
Uh...where's the entertainment section?
Ah. Page two.
Here we go.
Oh, look.
There's a two-headed pickled goat down by the courthouse.
Oh, Al.
Let's do something we can't do at home.
Fine. How about looking for a good meal?
Let's not argue.
As pathetic as it is, you are my husband,
and this is our vacation.
That's the spirit, Peg.
Ah...look here.
Tonight at the high school--
"Meet the man who met Andy Griffith."
Are you that jaded, Peg?
Hi.
I brought you some towels and some T.P.
Didn't you see the "Do not disturb" sign?
Oh, we just put that out as a nicety.
I mean, nobody here's gonna disturb you.
I'll just put the T.P. in the B.R.
No, no.
Not over there.
Could you put it down over there?
You look like a nice couple.
Oh, you too.
I picked this towel special for you.
Don't tell anybody that I gave it to you.
Is there anything else I can do for you?
Gee, I don't know.
Al, you want her to bend over again
you know, to pick up your tongue or anything?
Peg, just stand there and age.
I'm busy.
Let me get the door for you.
Your husband really is sweet.
Hm. That must be why the flies love him.
Don't you forget to use that special towel now.
She's out the door, Al.
Gee, this is nice here.
Let's move here.
Well, you just keep pulling in those big bucks,
and in 100 years, maybe we can afford a shack just like this.
You're jealous because you don't have a special towel.
Oh, why don't you take a shower
and wash off that special odor.
You know, Peg, I don't know what's so special
about this towel.
We'll steal it anyway.
"3 a.m."
Damn, I had 3 a.m. last time.
Hell, we always find the bodies before 3 a.m.
Here's my dollar.
All right! Midnight.
ALL: Ooh.
Hey, Becky.
You want in?
Still a couple of times left in the lottery.
No!
I think it's terrible you betting on what time
that poor obnoxious family's going to get chopped
into little bitty pieces.
And for what, $20?
It's up to 25.
I'm in.
Show us. What you got?
Shh!
It's the youngun's.
That poor little white-haired girl.
You'd think she'd throw some dye on it.
Can I help you?
Yeah, is there any actual food here,
or do I just stand by a bug light with my mouth open?
Hey, even bumpkins have feelings, Kell.
What do you want?
A bus ticket and a real family,
but for now, I'll settle for a couple burgers.
Two burgers, Beanie!
How about you?
Is he the cook?
Yep.
I'll have a coke.
Unopened.
Well, Bud.
Here we are.
Another great Bundy vacation.
You know, other kids, they get to go to Europe or Hawaii.
No.
We get to go to Hee-haw.
There's not another human being for mi-- Hello.
See you in a week.
Where are you going?
To get buns for my burger.
Hey Kell, Mom and Dad said not to wander off without them.
Mom will understand.
Thanks, Kell. That's real nice.
Leave me with the tree people.
Your drink's ready.
I'm going to go ax the burgers now.
Fine.
There won't be any screaming, will there?
To Dixie!
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.
I wasn't scared.
It was a...reflex action from the war.
Sit down.
So, uh, you don't smell like everybody else around here.
Well, thank you.
They say you're from Chicago.
Yep. Chicago. Chi-town.
The Windy City.
My kind of town.
It must be exciting.
Well, it is for me. I'm a cop.
Bundy.
Bud Bundy.
Chicago Vice.
Really?
I'm also a millionaire.
See, I made my money-- There he is.
Oh, Bud, did you take your milk of magnesia?
He didn't.
Bud.
How do you expect to get rid of that constipation
if you won't take your laxatives.
Hey, Bud, you made a little friend, huh?
Yeah, and you can help.
You got any pictures of me on the potty
you'd like to show her?
Well, excuse us, Mr. Sensitive.
Have you seen your sister?
No, thank you. I don't drink.
Mom, Dad, I didn't know you guys were here.
[BURP]
What's going on?
Well, we were gonna go for a walk,
but we heard on the radio it might rain.
Hey, goob, that radio upstairs stinks.
Now I'm paying $8 American, all right?.
Get one of these guys out of the pigpen
and let's get that thing working, huh?
Hey, who wants some down-home cooking?
Hey, Elmo, vittles for the family.
Uh, Al, honey, maybe you should be a little nicer
to these people.
I don't think they like us.
Hey, Peg, I get yelled at all year long.
Now this is my money and my vacation.
My turn to be the customer.
But Al, it's obnoxious.
So what?
What can they do, kill us?
ALL SINGING: * I got a shotgun, a rifle And a four-wheel drive *
* A country boy can survive **
You know I have to admit, Al, you were right.
Treat people like scum, and they just can't do enough for you.
I mean, everybody was so friendly to us.
It was as if tonight were our last night on Earth.
[THUNDER BOOMS]
You're starting to like it here, aren't you?
ALL: Yeah.
Dad, can we go down to the high school tomorrow night
and meet the man who met Andy Griffith?
Since when do you like Andy Griffith?
Since Gloria wants to go.
Bud's in love.
I am not. He's blushing, mom.
She's pregnant, Dad.
Am not!
Well, then I guess it's just your beer belly.
Now, kids, we can do this at home.
Go to bed, and then we'll decide what to do tomorrow.
[THUNDER BOOMS]
Oh, Al, our kids are really growing up fast.
Soon they won't need us for anything.
How soon, Peg?
Not soon enough.
You know, honey, it really is kind of romantic here.
With the rain beating against the window,
the wind whistling through the trees.
Uh-oh.
Comfortable, Al?
Does it matter, Peg?
Not really.
Aw, Peg, this was supposed to be my vacation.
Get to work, Al.
All right. Get my Dramamine.
Aah! Aah!
[***]